Heart's Confusion
by Aloria
Summary: An essay by Sora about Axel.


I really don't pretend to know anything about the true workings of a heart. I mean, they shift and change so quickly sometimes, and at the same time, they stay the same. Like Riku's heart for example, he gave into the darkness, yet he was still loyal to me and our friendship, even if he didn't remember a thing about me. He gave up everything to restore me after Namine had pulled apart the links of my memories. I guess, technically, Riku was a Heartless at that point, and I doubt I'll ever know if he produced a Nobody. If he had, I'm sure his Nobody would have been just as strong as he is.

For a while, I too became a Heartless, and though my thoughts were blurred and twisted, I was not overcome by the desire to destroy people. I was still, somewhat in control of myself, actually. I guess a heart is like a little version of Kingdom Hearts – something that can be covered in darkness from the outside, but at its center is light. How else can I explain how Kairi restored me or how Riku remained loyal to our friendship and regained his true form?

But that doesn't explain Axel.

I was nearly finished trashing the Organization XIII, when I realized that I'd missed a few of the members and decided to go into the Realm of Darkness to hunt them down. That and I'd figured out that Kairi and Riku were there, so I had to go rescue them too. Admittedly, Kairi was my main objective, but finding Riku as well was an incredible stroke of luck. Even if he was wearing the form of Xehanort's Heartless. What a creepy dude that man was in life! I mean, I saw a painting of him in Ansem the Wise's office and he has the weirdest hair and eye and skin color combo ever! And his Heartless looks just like that. How Xemnas ended up looking so totally different, I'll probably never know because I don't feel like asking him. He's just creepy and I've gotten off topic.

Entering the dark realm had to be the strangest experience I've ever had. I first had to be digitized to go into an alternate version of Twilight Town, and now that I think on it, I left that computer running. Unless Pence turned it off. But that'd be rather mean to the people living in the data town because, I mean, based on what Roxas told me of his life there, the people there were based off the real people of Twilight Town, but they'd gone off in separate directions, creating different relationships with each other than what was happening in the real Twilight Town.

That too, makes me wonder about the nature of Hearts. CAN they be created? I mean, from Roxas's memories, Hayner, Pence, and Olette were really close friends with Roxas, and that affected the real Twilight Town Hayner, Pence, and Olette, and me as well. I felt like I'd known them since forever, even if I'd never seen them before. It was odd, and ...heart breaking. I didn't want to go. I wanted to take them with me on that train. But I couldn't.

So I entered the Data Town, and found the remnants of the Data Town's computer. I think Roxas is right. We AREN'T the same person. I mean, that computer was TRASHED. I certainly wouldn't do something like that, but to Roxas, it seemed the most natural thing to do. It's not like we weren't in something near the same situation or anything. I mean, I'd had my memories diddled with by Namine, but I didn't get ticked and beat the crap out of her! Roxas, on the other hand, is violent! He breaks things when he's mad. In fact, he attacks me for no reason too, and I think he hates me. Does that mean I – somewhere deep down inside me – hate myself and I don't even know it? I'm not sure. I mean, I know I'm a ditz sometimes, and I do monologue occasionally (and peanut butter owns you!), but why should I hate myself?

Except for the fact that I failed to protect Kairi from the very beginning... except I didn't know I could back then. So is it really my fault? Now I'm getting depressed. This is such a stupid assignment!

Anyway! Back to the Realm of Darkness and Axel and how he confuses me.

I'd always thought the entrance to the dark realm would be ...well, dark. Instead, it was twilight, and cloudy, and full of colors. Not what I'd expected at all.

That was when Axel came.

"Don't stop moving, or the darkness will overtake you!" he shouted as Nobodies started appearing around us. "Get going," he said as he turned to look at me with a determined expression.

"Why?" I asked. It really was a simple question. Well, I guess not that simple, I mean, 'Why' can be asked about a lot of things, like 'why is the sky blue?' and 'why are you such a prick sometimes, Riku?' so maybe I should have elaborated when I asked that. I might have gotten a real answer because he'd evidently misunderstood what I was asking. What I really meant was "why are you helping us?" not "why should I run?"

His helping just didn't make sense to me, still doesn't. He's a Nobody, part of the Organization. He doesn't have a heart, and admits it. In fact, he joked about it, like he hadn't been working with the Organization to create Kingdom Hearts in some weird cracked up attempt to regain their hearts.

In any case, Axel told me, "Don't ask, just do it!" and promptly got attacked by Nobodies.

"You okay?" I asked, running over to help him out, because, well, he'd just laid the smackdown on some Nobodies that were attacking me and I'm all about returning favors. Especially when it comes to battle situations. You just don't leave your buddies to die in a battle, after all, when they're gone, you're alone and it's much easier to fight an army when you've got friends at your side than to do it by yourself. I know this from experience.

"I kidnapped Kairi but she got away from me, after that, Saix caught her..." Axel informed me, and the Nobodies attacked again. There were hundreds, but we showed them who's boss! Then more appeared and that really sucked.

"I think I liked it better when they were on my side," he said.

"Feeling a little... regret?" I asked sarcastically. But then Axel kicked so much butt! I wish I could do big blasting attacks like that! Except for the whole fading away thing at the end, that part sucked. Now, though, thinking back on it, I feel a little bad about being sarcastic to him. I mean, he destroyed our enemies with a single AWESOME attack, but at the same time, he about killed himself to do it and I had to go and be a jerk.

When the smoke cleared, I found him, lying on the ground. "You're fading away," I said.

"That's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. Not that Nobodies have beings.

"Sorry for what I did to Kairi."

Sorry he says to me. Sorry? Okay, so he kidnapped her, but it's not like he hurt her. It was Saix who kidnapped her from her kidnapper and I really don't think that Axel would have really hurt Kairi. He doesn't seem to care about her, after all, when I told him to tell her himself, he said, "I'll pass. My heart wouldn't be in it. Haven't got one," and then he laughed. What kind of sick humor is that? However, I'm still of the mind that he wouldn't have hurt her, if only because that would have upset me/Roxas.

"What were you trying to do?" I asked him, once again, I don't think I asked quite the right question because I really didn't get that informative of an answer. Then again, maybe Axel is just like that? Uninformative.

"I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I liked. He made me feel like I had a heart. It's kinda funny, you make me feel the same." And then he opened a portal into the World that Never Was... and faded. I didn't want him to go. I mean, once he stopped being my enemy, he was a really cool guy!

I just don't understand Axel. He has no heart. He admitted it. Yet he seemed to be driven by this weird desire to be with me/Roxas. Almost like Riku, actually. Did he mean that I reminded him of what it felt like to have a heart? Roxas might know the answer, except Roxas has amnesia and claims that I've got his memories, but I don't think I do.

Though I know now that Roxas is my Nobody, I still don't understand why only _I_ (and Roxas) would have that kind of impact on Axel. Is there some sort of power in me that does this? But why did it only affect Axel? Why didn't it work on Demyx – who was the only other one of the bunch I would have been willing to let go if he'd not pushed me. Sure, Demyx stole the medallion and tried to make a deal with Hades and attacked me, but he was interesting for a Nobody! He seemed to be under the impression that just because he lost his heart didn't mean he'd lost his personality too. I bet he and I could have had lots of fun together. I mean, that musical in Atlantica was really kinda fun and I've been thinking about starting a band. I want to be lead vocalist!

I'm off topic again, though.

So Demyx and Axel were rather strange for what seemed the stereotypical Nobody, which leads back to how I really don't understand how Heartless are really the hearts of people who've fallen into Darkness, and the Nobodies are the combination of the body and soul that are left. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

And is there some form of heart that is still present in the Soul, even after the Heart has gone?

I really don't know, but I think it's probably a question best left unanswered. After all, Ansem the Wise really messed up when he tried to answer questions about the heart through science.


End file.
